Questioning The Inner Voice
Looking inward
Upon doing my yearly review, the most important thing about my life that I wish I could change is the way I talk to myself. I quote from the Modern Wisdom podcast -
If I talked the way I‘d talk to myself with my friends, I‘d have no friends left.
Quite often I found myself slipping into being too judgmental, harsh and austere with myself. This has been the theme for as long as I can remember, only sometimes offset by an internal correction in the form of overly treating myself and indulging in all kinds of pleasures. Now, don‘t get me wrong, I‘m super duper grateful for this inner critique, but I sometimes think it is detrimental to me. And this is not a dialogue about hustling, ...that is decades old at this point. What I mean is, what if, through my way of engaging, I might be missing the bigger picture?
Recognizing the pattern
This brings me to the survival mode. Not everything is do or die. Not everything should be production ready right away. Sometimes deliberately slowing down is the way to go. Progress for the sake of progress (and deriving a sense of satisfaction) is quite as meaningful as doing nothing. This year, I want to give myself the grace to actually sit down with something for so long and not feel this FOMO. What my critique has got to understand is that the world is rapidly moving forward, doesn't mean I need to do the same. I need to lay back and get reacquainted with “boring” times. And there is nothing to be anxious about. I can most definitely trust in myself to pace whenever needed. Times are changing and I need to update the firmware ツ..
Speaking of which, I do need to get a hold of this dialogue, as I see this trickling down to other parts of my life. I remember a moment last year when I had to prove to myself that I could finish this game in one week. I like pushing myself, but to have that same mentality in my recreational stuff, that is unholy. I am not playing the side quests and exploring all the areas this way. I need to containerize or silo this tendency.
When the voice is useful
I often meet people with heavy self-conviction, the likes of people who have it all figured out about everything, who speak with such obvious false confidence (Dunning-Kruger!?). Defence mechanism or fake it till you make it, whatever it is, comes off as tone-deaf most of the time. This voice I believe is also essential to stop being a headache in day to day life.
Secondly, I have a complex way of reconciling with a divine being, and since I am not practicing believer, I trust this self-commentary to guide me into being a better person.
When it turns against me
When my own “talk” go after my identity rather than my behaviour. Sometimes, there are limited things you can do to begin with. Things don’t go the way you want (ad nauseum), yet ocassionally I am affected, although I get back up quite smoothly. More importantly, I stop trying new things due to this. What if I could be stupidly close to something and leave it all behind to wallow in self-pity? Thus, it is decided, Need me a BLUEPRINT (for healthy self talk) moving forward…!
Rewriting the script
Before I strategize, I want to take a moment to finally see this and set aside the time to address it, albeit in this hit-or-miss, verbose manner. I am also thankful for the convos I‘ve had with people over the last couple of months. I am skeptical when it comes to engaging with others, but they seem to influence my thoughts little by little. Been reading a nice book titled “How Minds Change“ by David McRaney, which visits this in depth.
Now, I want to switch to a more Socratic way of critique, like a question on top of a question thing. My critique, if I could paint him, would be a prison warden with an iron rule. Jumping here – Critique as such shouldn‘t hinder the creative process. I am not gonna lie, I have poor aesthetic taste to begin with, you should see my room! I admire people who are blessed with them, tho. I need to find that creative outlet for me, too. This is in tune with my everlasting complaint that I remain a mere consumer, not a net creator in this world. Is this how I wanna fare in life? NO. Therefore Critique+Creativity.
I realize all this talk and writing could essentially mean nothing if I don‘t embrace the status quo. Therefore, in support for my lazy side, I can on some days fall back to prison-warden critique, it'd be easier that way. This year, more than anything, is for contingency planning, and it’s always good to remind myself that change is not instant and discernible.
Goal
A kinder, less dramatic, more resilient voice that’s gonna keep me from being a grumpy old man. Remember -
Young at heart, retired early, and somewhere by the sea.
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- 𝒶